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Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
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So Dave and I had it out yesterday and to spare myself the tears lets just say we're still friends but that all we're gonna ever be. He doesn't want a g/f and instead just wants to be friends...which sucks and hurts cause i really love him. So now i've ultimately got no one left. And my heart hurts like someone stabbed it and broke it into a million pieces. I feel just so alone now and all my dreams and hopes of me and him are now gone and i am no longer yearning for him..instead i'm heartbroken and i feel foolish. I feel like i never should've even bothered to look extra cute all those times and i should've never got my hopes up cause every time i get my hopes up about something, it always always always ends up in heartbreak and im always the one in pain in the end. God can't anything ever go the way i want it to? I just dont understand why things never go the way i want them to. And instead of finding out my best friend, the only guy i wanna be with doesn't love me back, he doesn't want me now or ever as a g/f and i cant help but think its my fault...that somehow theres something wrong with me and its causing no one to bother with me any more..i'm ready to give up..i really really am
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Friday, August 13th, 2004
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Ok so i just found out my boss gave me the whole week off next week for vacation!! Ocean City NJ here i come! Wish me wonderfully sunny weather for the week please everyone, and wish me hot beach boys and hot lifeguards. Hey Kara i can say to the lifeguard..::in voice of teen girl squad:: Hey BeachMan, how's about you and me? and he can say How's about you eat a crab! haha that'd be funny.
OOook..on that note i think my laundry is done and perhaps i should start to pack since, after all i leave tomorrow morning and i wont be back til next saturday!! I will miss you all, and especially my dave, since he's not coming to visit me..oh well he can do without me for a week hehe. I didnt even start to pack yet!! EEEEK! I've packed faster before though, so im not worried. Pray my day goes fast, i work customer service from 1-6..easy 5 hr shift then its off to the baseball game as long as its not rained out...if it is, then its off to the turf club to spend some quality time with dave. So again pray for good weather and if u do pray for my weather, perhaps i will bring you a present!!
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Got a lot on my mind...and no one to listen....ho hum!
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Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
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Well i'm back from vaca and that means back to reality..yucko! I'm sitting here trying to apply for a credit card so i can pay tuition :( i really dont wanna go at all. I have no motivation to learn anymore. I dont wanna even be there at all. But i know i have to or else ill end up being a trash collector. I'm not in the best of moods today, which makes me even more unhappy knowing that i AM unhappy. I guess i am just sad to see the fun vaca with dave come to an end. It was so fun to see him everyday and it was so wonderful to wake up every morning and see him, unfortunately not laying next to me, but in the next bed over. It was just so great to wake up and see him. mushy mushy blah blah lol Anyway, i guess i just need a hug or something.
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So i'm sitting here in Dave's work, updating my journal. I'm so unbelievably happy u dont even know! So far this weekend has been awesome. Friday we left for Hershey. It was me and his like ENTIRE family and we had a blast..i have a great group shot of all of us, i cant wait to show everyone. We just had an awesome awesome awesome time and i cant find any other words to explain how much fun we had! I had never been to hershey so it was quite the fun and interesting time there! Tomorrow morning, we leave for the shore! Just for the night of course, and i'll be bored cause its the casinos and he gets to gamble and i get to lay on the beach..boring? perhaps....spending 2 days with the person you love more than anything in the world....not so boring! So the way i see it, although i cant join in with the festivities of gambling and such..i can still relax and get food, and watch movies, and what not! So yay me! Hope this has been an interesting entry for all to read!
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Thursday, July 15th, 2004
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8 days until Hershey!!! I'm soo excited!!!
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| Subject: | UPDATES!! |
| Time: | 1:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  pleased. | | Music: | You can't hurry love- Phil Collins. |
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Ok so here's an update on me!
Work: is ok i guess, hours are good and pay could be better but at least i have a job
Fam: is gone on vaca for the week so i got the house to myself..quite lonely but i'm enjoying myself none the less
Friends: Umm i haven't really talked to many people recently..Kara and I are back to old times basically..we're talking and we're not mad at each other lol well i'm not mad at her, i dunno if feelings are mutual though..
Dave: (yes he gets his own category) We're going to the Turf Club tomorrow night for our "luau" i've always wanted to have a luau and so since i have no money or friends, im not having one here..instead we're getting our hawaiian gear on and drinking margaritas with little umbrellas in the cups and having a good time. oh and i'm driving up and back so YAY! he can see how i drive hehe
Hershey: 11 days!! WOOHOO! Can't wait!!
Life in general: i'm still quite happy i guess, i mean i could complain, believe u me, i could go on for HOURS, but theres no sense in exerting extra energy on stuff that either can't be changed or i dont want to change...so for now i'm pleased where i am!
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| Subject: | Am I wrong? |
| Time: | 9:36 pm. |
| Mood: |  Majorly confused. | | Music: | Pour some sugar on me- Def Lepard. |
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Ok so Dave and I go to the turf club, a place where you can go and bet on horses..so we're losing and so we're not exactly happy so i'm not really paying attention to the races..i look at the table behind dave and i see this tall shady lookin guy walk over, look around to make sure no one sees what he's about to do, and takes the money off the table that belongs to this guy who walked away to make a bet...so i dunno how much it was but the guy takes the money and looks right at me cause he KNOWS i saw him and I KNOW i saw him take it..so right away i'm like BABE THAT GUY JUST TOOK THE MONEY OFF THE TABLE FROM THAT GUY THAT WAS JUST SITTIN THERE! so dave looks around and sees the guy and i'm like im gonna say something when the guy gets back that i saw someone take his money..dave says to wait til the guy notices that his money's gone then say something, but my thing was why put this guy through agony for even a minute if i can just tell him right up front what happened. See the guy who took the money used it right away for a bet so this way he wouldnt have the money on him if he was caught. So the guy who was sitting at the table behind dave comes up and i said "excuse me sir, but i just saw someone come up and take ur money. He's a tall dark skinned guy with a hawaiian shirt and a white hat." so the guy gets all upset and tells the manager and they get my info and the guy behind me's info too and they get the guy and kick him out. Dave's worried the whole time though cause if this guy retaliates cause i said something and got him caught that he'll go and fuck up daves car..i kept insisting that it wouldnt happen since he didnt even know what kind of car dave drives anyway. so needless to say nothing happened to the car but dave was bitter at me all night. so i tried not to cry until i got in and just let it loose. Am i right for saying something to the guy and bringing it all to someone's attention? Am i right for getting involved? Was i wrong to make myself known as the one who saw him? Should i have handled things differently? I just dont know what's right and wrong anymore. I feel i am totally right in what i did and i did the morally right thing by telling the guy and letting him get the manager instead of me. I just dont know why dave was so mad at me! I told him, if it was UR money wouldnt u want someone to say something? I know i would want someone to say something if it was MY money..his response was, "its easy for u to get involved cause its not UR CAR!" I mean seriously am i wrong for getting involved? I dont think i couldve sat there without saying something. I dont think my concious wouldve let me keep quiet over this one. I mean i've seen things before and not said anything and i can still remember those times as clear as day, because its the things you dont do and wish u did that stick with you forever. So please let me know if u think i'm wrong for saying something? I feel so confused right now...
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| Subject: | OK |
| Time: | 10:24 am. |
| Mood: |  irritated. | | Music: | Gal you a lead- TOK. |
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Life is going as planned..quite happy at the moment..but this entry is going out to Kara..who's having a hard time at work...so all who read this please keep Kara is ur minds and please wish good things for her...since her boss is an asshole, it's hurting her and she doesnt deserve to be treated like that, no one does. So please keep her in ur prayers, wishes, or whatever u do/have. Kara, ur not alone, we all deal with assholes everyday, and u did the right thing! LOVE U!
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| Subject: | Life |
| Time: | 11:06 pm. |
| Mood: |  giggly. | | Music: | Everything I Do- Bryan Adams. |
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::calming sigh of relief:::
Life is going nice i guess..i get to see dave a couple time this week and we get to spend good quality time together..i got lots of hours at work so i should be getting some nice checks for Hershey..which is in 26 DAYS!! YAY! Can't wait to go..i'd like to cash in my foreign money and get some regular money for it..anyone know if i'll get a lot or anything by cashing it in? who knows..anyway i dont really have much to say actually..i'm just kinda sitting here, thinking about someone special, listening to some nice music and relaxing in the bliss that surrounds me at the moment..i'm sure things will come crashing down tomorrow when i go to work..but that's why its "work" and not "play" although i wish i got paid to play. So i'm just gonna continue to sit here with a silly little grin on my face, and ponder on things and people, and the possibilities in life with those things and those people...i'm just gonna sit here and focus on the most beautiful things i can conjure up in my mind, and remain cool calm and collected...so until someone bursts my little bubble.........................
::::silly little grin of happiness::::
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Here's the 411 on my last few days:
Sunday: chilled at the house til i had work at 5
Monday: hung out during the day with my sis, then work at 3 til 1030..night really sucked since i'm on cash control..long story and it wasnt my fault!
Today: relaxed, watched ConAir awesome movie..then went with my sis to go get Ethan..then came home and got some wawa hoagies..good stuff
This week coming up?
Tomorrow: taking Ethan to go bowling, then work from 345-845..then probably just come home and chill
Thursday: nothing til 2 when dave gets out of work..hopefully go to his house to watch a movie then its off to the turf club!
Friday: chillin til work from 415-915
Saturday: same thing as friday except 3-1030
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Yesterday i went with Dave to a bbq of his friend's, Mindy. She's real cool, we sat around and drank and ate and played in the pool and just had a blast all in all..ugh it was just fun, that's all i can say! I'm just happy today that's all..i have no complaints about anything at all..well i gotta go to work tonight..but its ok its customer service from 5-1030 so its not too bad. Anyway i'm just overjoyed and i dunno what else to write since i'm in a mood of happiness and bliss so until i come down from this cloud of pleasentness, i'll remain speechless.
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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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| Subject: | Spanish |
| Time: | 11:33 am. |
| Mood: | amused. | | Music: | Peaches and Cream (remix)- 112. |
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Ok I keep dreaming in Spanish..think it means something? I wonder. My old french teacher always said "You know you love french when you dream in it!" So does it mean i really love spanish? Who knows..anyway so my day is going ok i guess..i miss dave..i havent seen him since like sunday, but i havent really been able to talk to him much either. He's busy with work and his new bowling league, and pool parties that i cant go to cause of STUPID WORK! We're going to the Phillies game tomorrow YAY, i cant wait. Also tomorrow is my sisters first day of summer since shes a teacher. So shes glad i wont be there when she gets in. I get so spoiled being home alone all day doing nothing and chillen in just my PJs til its time for work..and dave could stop by and we could watch movies be4 she gotm home..and NOW she'll be here ALL THE TIME! BLAH anyway, so i'm gonna finish relaxing..probably do my hair soon..keep things interesting til i gotta go to hell..i mean work..i mean hell..hehe
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Man oh man am I exhausted! It seems like not a long shift, but i worked tonight from 5-1130..no biggie, except it was cashier..which means 6 1/2 hrs of STANDING and BAGGING and CASHIERING!! ugh my feet hurt and i am exhausted. So not to be gross but if u've ever had an ingrown toenail then you'll feel my pain. So i have one and it hurts to put pressure on that foot, so i spent like the whole shift on one foot. I now have a sharp pain that constantly runs up the back of my other leg. Ugh i just cant win. Apparently i pissed off my boss for tellin her i can only work til 5 this past sunday, cause i had dave's bowling banquet. So she punished me by giving me a looong ass shift. I'm on cash control for 10 days, cause people go into my till and dont know how to count! I was short $28, but the girl next to me was over $37, and she took change out of mine. So anyway for the next 10 days i gotta count my register before i go in, before i leave and everywhere in between! I'm so aggrivated! So needless to say, i'm miserable. My feet are killing me, seriously i feel like they're gonna fall off! I need a massage and a good lay..hehe any takers?
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Thursday, June 10th, 2004
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I'm so sick of people acting like they like me or feel the need to pretend they wanna be my friend..and the people who acted all along like they were glad they knew me, only to fucking turn around and basically stab me in the fucking back! People are so fucking fake and i wish they'd get enough fucking balls to tell me how they really feel. Anyone care to try it? Tell me how you really feel about me! Cause as of now, people are just being fucking immature assholes who are being so disgustingly fake and its just pissing me off anymore! I just dont know what the fuck is wrong with people these days. Don't people realize that i got feelings too? Doesnt my thoughts and opinions matter at all? Im guessing it doesnt..obviously it doesnt..sometimes i wonder why i even bother to care or to go out of my way. Why? So people can pretend and then not even appreciate who i am? and they can treat me like shit! If you have something to say about me, tell me!
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FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
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Name: Sarah
Type your name with your:
nose: sarah
elbow: sartashn
tongue: sarah
chin: arfaZhb
feet: sarah
eyes closed with one finger: sayaj
back of your hand: sarah
palm: sarah
mouse: sarah
wrist: saqraqhy
now you try!
That was fun ::stolen from 12::
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Did you ever want something so bad that you would just give anything to have it? Did you ever feel something inside that just told you that if you didn't have that one thing that you could never be complete? Did you ever think that life could not go on unless you had that one thing and it seems like no matter how bad you say you dont want it, that your desire for it just keeps building up and up and up til every part of your entire body is engulfed with the image of this thing that you just have to have? Well that's my problem right now. My mind is totally engulfed with the image of this existance that is just the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to me. It's like i'm living every moment wrapped up in silk blankets, so soft and yet a little cold which gives a weird yet pleasent feeling on my skin. It's like my mind wanders off and plays for a while and enjoys the absolute bliss that my mind body heart and soul are all relaxing in. It is as if the things that always brought me down are suddenly non-existant and the things that always made me happy are suddenly larger than life and totally inexplainable! It's as if i can speak the words that express my true feelings, yet no one else understand the words, except my heart, which leaps with joy at the sound of my voice. It's as if i have the gift of tongues, yet no words come out, but my mind is filled with happiness because i know that this is the one thing that i've been wanting for years. And yet this one thing that i just have to have is not that easy to have. I feel sometimes like i'm trying to hard to try to get it and maybe if i didnt try at all that it will just come to me and be mine forever! And then there are times where i feel like if i dont try then ill never get it. Someone once told me, "Success is attained by hard work, commitment and dedication. Don't give up, don't EVER give up." And so i think to myself, well if i give up trying to attain the one thing that my heart and mind tells me that i've just got to have, then maybe i wont ever have it! But at the same time, if i try and then give up i still wont have it. All i know is that i want it, i've got to have it, it's image and existance has overtaken my entire life, which im not saying is a bad thing, i just find myself wanting it so bad! It's become a quest almost, for me to someday have it! It's just mthat desirable! Can anyone relate?
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People just never cease to amaze me..the people that you expect the most from you get nothing and the people you don't ever expect anything from you get the world. Then there are the few that serve their purpose and do nothing but make you happy! So thank you to those who are making me happy! Yet i cant help but hear my mother's voice in my head saying "Remember what I've always told you Sarah, expect nothing from anyone and expect everything from yourelf!" She is an amazing woman i must say, an amazing pain in the ass, but my heart none the less.
I've seemed to have lost some people along the road of life..some I'm glad i've lost since i'm sure im better off without them, but there are a few who had some impact if only just the slightest..yet i find myself missing there presence..and at the same time i dont miss them at all. I dont seem to be able to understand myself these days, yet i know i'm at a level of somewhat happiness despite my few problems..could this be? Ahh yes absolute bliss..so long i've been waiting for a moment when i could say i'm H-A-P-P-Y! Perhaps i will have a nice day and i will continue this moment or two for the smile i've needed to smile, the hug i've needed to receive, the song i needed to hear, and the kiss i've needed to share!
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spoonie_bea's journal
indescribable.
Yay sea shore!!!.
drained.
loved.
crazy.
relaxed.
exhausted.
irate.